What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions? 25 Clever Carlin Quotes <br> (A Wordplay Wednesday Tribute)

On Sunday, the world lost one of its greatest comedians and one of the few who truly made a name for himself with his clever, witty humour: George Carlin passed away at the age of 71. 

Sure, the man's routines may have been crass and even obscene at times, but alongside all the shock-and-awe, he also demonstrated an unparalleled love for the English language in his monologues. In fact, George loved words so much that he recently described himself as a writer who performed his own material, instead of the other way around. (Hat tip to Copyblogger for linking to that great final interview.)

Truly a master of brevity and wit, if George had graced our recent TwitWit contest with an entry, you can bet he would have been a top contender. As a matter of fact, one of the twin double entendres in Dave's winning entry was famously uttered by Carlin, who once asked if there was another word for synonym. 

For this edition of Wordplay Wednesday, I would like to honour the memory of this departed comedic great by sharing some of his all-time cleverest barbs, according to yours truly. (The one in the title wasn't a bad place to start, either.)

So without further ado, here are my 25 favourite Carlin quips, in alphabetical order (for order's sake):

1.  "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 
   
   


2.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
   
   


3.  Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. 
   
   


4.  Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
   
   


5.  George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. 
   
   


6. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
   
   


7. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
   
   


8. How is it possible to have a civil war?
   
   


9. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
   
   


10. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
    
    


11. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    
    


12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    
    


13. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
    
    


14. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
    
    


15. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
    
    


16. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 
    
    


17. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    
    


18. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. 
    
    


19. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
    
    


20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    
    


21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    
    


22. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
    
    


23. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
    
    


24. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
    
    


25. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
    
    

Which one is your favourite? Or did I leave out your Carlin-ism of choice? Let me know in the comments.

By the way, I've tried to the best of my ability to verify that these are all truly things George said, although that is quite a difficult task. If you spot an error, please let me know. Imagine that- to be so famous that people just start ascribing witty sayings to you that you never even said...

Rest in Peace George and thanks for all the laughs.